A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached
him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name," he replied.
"Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As
a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore,
I chose 'Carmen.' What's your name?"
He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
(Thanks
to Mike Martin for sending that gem in)
Golf Poem
In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, Rather Small. Oh,
How Bland It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess, The Awesome Strength
It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life
Has Not Been Quite The Same, Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.. It Rules My Mind For Hours On End, A Fortune It Has Made Me
Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry, I Hate Myself And Want To Die.. It Promises A Thing Called
Par, If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball, Should Not Be Very Hard At All. But My
Desires The Ball Refuses, And Does Exactly As It Chooses..
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies, And
Even Disappears Before My Eyes. Often It Will Have A Whim, To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass
On Which To Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand. Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul, If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup, And Swear That I Will Give It Up. And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow, But The Ball
Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found
golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about
41 miles to the gallon.
These greens are so fast I have
to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead
A hungry dog hunts best. ~ Lee Trevino
You can talk to a
fade but a hook won't listen.
~ Lee Trevino
I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one
over a swimming pool. ~
George Brett
Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took
a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray
The only sure rule in
golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked
my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
The ball retriever is
not long enough to get my putter out of the tree..
~ Brian Weis
Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino
My favorite shots are
the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh
air.
~ Jack Benny
There is no similarity
between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan
Professional golf is the only sport where,
if you win 20% of the time, you're the best
~ Jack Nicklaus
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
~ H G Wells
I never pray on a golf
course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham
If you watch a game, it's
fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
~ Bob Hope
While playing golf today I hit two good
balls. I stepped on a rake. ~
Henny Youngman
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino
NEW GOLF TERMS submitted by Leo "Tin Cup" Castiglione
A 'Rock Hudson ' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't
A 'Saddam Hussein' - from
one bunker into another
A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and
in the sand
A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite
make it over the water
A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed
An 'O.J.'- got away with one
A Princess Grace' - should have used a driver
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't
have used the driver
A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't
feel very good
A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - Way to the right but still in bounds
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds
A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read
A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out
A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist
A 'Sonny Bono' - straight
into the trees
A 'Mickey Mantle' - a dead yank
A ' Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole
An Inspirational Golf Story (submitted by Tom Lewis) Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first I said, 'Naaahhh! I already
play 2 or 3 times a week.' Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped
and blind kids.' Then
I thought...
Shit, I could win this.
Send in your favorites here !
Good ole member Lyle Smith sent this one:
Benjanin and Bryant were on
the first tee at their local country club, with Benjamin hitting first. He looked out at the far pin, pulled out his 1 - wood
and said confidently. "Thats a drive and a putt in my book."
He then took
a mighty swing and lifted a long divot, but his ball dribbled only about three feet in front of his tee.
Bryant watched the ball come to a stop before saying anything. "Left yourself one hell of a putt."
Paul Riexinger
sent this one in to honor all our Golf playing wives:
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee, while another foursome
of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.
The ladies are taking
their time. When the final lady is ready to hit off, she hacks the ball ten feet.
She goes over and miffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks
it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men, and
says apologetically, "I guess all those fu$*%#g lessons I took over the winter, didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it then, you should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never
even had a chance to duck!
The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand
proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls.... A
recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another
study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a Year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid
ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND
THIS:
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard,
you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is
still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top
a ball halfway there..
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is
always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion
that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors
Everyonereplaces his
divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test
of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make
fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the
same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still 5 meters away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight
line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90%
of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next
group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start
watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every
time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit
a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's
downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
One of my personal favorites: There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many
hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker,
your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf
than at 10:00 to mow the lawn
A good drive on the 18th hole
has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is
the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly
worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be
having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And
you need to buy fresh ones each week.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair
his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven,
he probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn to be a goodgolfer than it does to become a brainsurgeon. On the other hand, you don'tget to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs
and fart if you are performingBrain Surgery !!!!
This hilarious Robin Williams Golf Bit is definetly not for virgin ears. all virgins are requested to leave the room before
you click on this video courtesy of You tube.
Mind Games??
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it
and shank it, hit into all the traps, and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason
at all you really stink.
